So, blog post numero 3 and I'm going to talk about a very big, and troubling issue I've been dealing with for a few years. In May 2012 I was diagnosed with depression. Not many people know about it, and apparently I'm really good at hiding it, but I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want pity for it, I'm not going to let it define me, but it is a part of me.
For those of you who don't know what it's like imagine this:
You are stuck. Falling into a never ending black hole. You can't see anything. You can't feel anything. It never ends. It's keeps building and building, and you expect to crash any second but it never happens. At first you're really scared, but over your fear just consumes you and you live everyday unable to do anything. You live just waiting for the crash that never happens.
I lived with that black hole for 2 years, and it continued to grow worse and worse until one day I cracked and every unfelt emotion came out verbally to my parents. My lack of caring about anything, school, friends, family. Nothing mattered to me, the only time I felt that my mile per second was starting to slow down, was at church.
When I was at church, I wasn't 100% and I still felt like I was falling, but at church, it felt like I had a parachute on, I knew it was there, but for some reason I never deployed it.
So I was brought to a doctor, who gave me anti-depressants.
Imagine the scenario above, but now the lights are on. Great, at least it's a bit better, right? (don't get me wrong, the anti-depressants do help a ton!)
Now I still hadn't realized that I had this parachute on, but in the light it became a lot easier to see. I found different people encouraging me to continue going to church, I started volunteering at church, ushering, and working in the nursery, it made me realize how good God was. How he would never put me through anything I couldn't handle.
Like perhaps falling, for example!
I remember one day, just feeling wonderful, and it was kind of a wow-moment. I had realized that I had this parachute the whole time. I was never free falling, I always had a parachute, and that parachute was going to let me down gently when I needed it.
I'm still falling, but I've learned to enjoy the ride, and when it's time, that parachute is there for me to open.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
*******If you think you may be suffering from depression I STRONGLY encourage you to talk to someone about it, talk to your parents or doctor or pastor, get medication (legally of corse) for it and also ask people for prayers. You are so loved!!!!!
God Bless!
Victoria.
